Sushi date with my BFF Lynda
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Artist: Tori Amos
Track: Jackie’s Strength
Album: From The Choirgirl Hotel
Year: 1998Theme: Girls Names
let’s be honest for a second. i am not entirely sober. and by “entirely sober” i definitely mean that i am not sober ((at all)). which is interesting. i haven’t been THIS spiced since… in a long while. i’m also slightly concerned because i just turned in some stuff to kaplan (mah skool) and i’m hoping that i didn’t get tooooo crayy-crayy in that email. i mean, i feel like i’m doing okay right now. i mean, it is a struggle to type this. like, instead of typing “doing” i typed “dong” which is def not what i meant to say. FREUD WOULD ARGUE DIFFERENTLY. but that’s because he’s ridic and you know what??? HE DON’T KNOW ME!!!
i’m currently listening to Joan Jett’s Activity Grrl and it’s so… makes me wanna sing like i’m in hairspray and dance around like i’m in flashdance.
today a regular at the deli gave me a book. i cannot express how much i love receiving books. especially unexpectedly. i didn’t know what to do or say when she gave it to me. i just kind of stared at the book and mumbled a quick thank you and then pretended that i had to get back to slicing tomatoes because if i didn’t then the world would end and we’d all disintegrate. (wow. that was way more difficult to spell that i thought!)
friends, i want you to know that i’m doing well. HA! crap. i’m really not that great at lying. i remember one time, i was arrested and i was sitting in my cell and this copper was asking me a buttload of questions and i just answered first thing to pop in my mind and if it was a lie, i was like, “No. that’s a lie. i’m sorry. you make me nervous. truth is…” my guilty conscience gets the best of me every time.
and not to get weird on you guys because most of you who follow aren’t believers or “christians” i like to call my conscience the Holy Spirit.
the other day, after work, someone made me cry. because they were asking me about my faith and i was giving my answers, whether it be an actual answer or an “i don’t know, dude” and he just kept bashing my beliefs and me and usually i’m much stronger than i was but i was in a vulnerable state to begin with And it was THAT time of the month. i didn’t cry in front of him. i excused myself to “use the restroom” but ugh. it’s not like i shove my beliefs down anyone’s throat. if i see the opportunity to speak truth into a person’s life, i’ll take it but i’m not a hard hitter. i can barely use my verbal skillz in person because i don’t really have them. i’m not a verbal person. i can’t word vomit everywhere. i can be silly and ridiculous and anything but serious in person. why u attack me like that atheist??? not cool. make me cry! obviously, i’m still bitter which is something i’ll take to pray…
right. where were we? regulars. this one regular came in and gave me a forget-me-not flower plant type thing. it’s dead now. i’m usually much more of a green thumb but maybe it’s turned blue recently. WOW! if that ain’t a metaphor then ain’t no type of metaphor exists. nono. i kid. i’m not blue. i’m as green as the green lantern. i hate yellow, bro!
but in all seriousness, i don’t know how i’m feeling or what to do with myself. i’m thankful for tomorrow. tomorrow is MG and i’m gonna flood tomorrow night with all sorta “feelings” that i am or am not feeling.
also, i miss you, tumblr. i miss having a ba-jillion followers and i (almost-kindof) miss following a ba-jillion people back. i miss how every day of the week meant something special. like GPOYW or Smile Friday. i miss sending out things through “snail mail” to people i’ve never met. i miss drunk tumblring with other drunk tumblrererers. i’ve missed you tumblr.
is being a christian such a big deal that people would literally hate me for believing in God, in Jesus, in the Holy Spirit. are christians so hateful that they would HATE a person who doesn’t believe??? being who i am now vs who i once was is a daily struggle. but it is worth it. every day i wake up and i commit myself to my faith, it is worth it. atheist, agnostics, christians, anyone who CONDEMNS anyone is lacking something in their life.
as a christian we follow who Jesus was and how he lived his life. he didn’t condemn anyone for anything he/she ever did. he loved and welcomed everyone. he called to the lowest and the most broken and he dined with those who society shunned. he warned people against those who were religious. Pharisees and scribes and those who were “high in the church” because they didn’t know true love or forgiveness or GRACE.
okay. sorry. i’m done talking about it. i’m not, really. but i have a separate post going on a separate site so you’re lucky, tumblr! i almost went all crayy-crayy on you!
but can we for a sec talk about my housemates? i thought my last housemates and the housemate before that were awesome, these folk are the legit awesome.
WE ARE GOING THROUGH OUR HOMESTUDY to adopt a little girl from south korea. well, THEY are adopting and i just happen to live with them so i get to go through the process as well and DUDE! it’s excruciating for me. i have to call court houses and write letters and it sucks reliving the past and going through all of this but you know what? whatever it takes for them to bless a little girl and a little girl to bless them is what i’ll do. logistics and icky feelings aside, whatever it takes.
well, myyyyyy gracious. i’m tired. and i’ve got three different things going on and i have to say goodbye to something and focus-focus-focus so good night tumblr. i love you in ways you’ll never ever know. good night.
hey, guys! hey! hey! can we talk some serious business? like, legit business that’s also quite serious? okay. cool.
got a phone call. a couple hours ago. uhm. my exhusband, my first husband, well, he died. he passed away. drug overdose. drug overdose. from damn drug overdose.
how do i feel about this? how am i feeling? what are my feelings? anger and confusion.
i remember the last time i saw him.
sometimes, i wonder if people really do change. and by change i mean grow. i guess i have. but have i really? or am i just suppressing a part of me no one would like near as much as this person i currently am. no, i am different.
drug overdose. his younger brother found him and called 911. younger brother! ugh.
go away, angry thoughts! go away!
in other news: i’m still sick and the medicine makes me foggy. good night.
I hate staying home from work because I’m sick. I’m always like, “woo! I’m home! What can I do around this place that I’ve been neglecting??? I should read! I should write! I should make a pretty birthday card! or a clock!” But then I realize I don’t have any energy for any of that. So, I’m home… from work… but laying in bed… whining about how life sucks… cuz i’m a giant pansy.
In other news: I did finally start a book I’ve been meaning to read for Ages! It’s called Any Place but Here. It’s about kids who run away from home. Why they do it, what they’re like, the situations they get into, how society views them, the role politics play, etc. It’s a pretty meaty book.
Anyway, good night.
